It's the weekend, so I don't really have any rageposting to do today, so I'm just going to dump what I've been thinking about.
waking up
I always wake up with a empty mind, which is something you'd see highly advocated for in those self-care books but honestly, I don't really like it. No matter what I do the day before, I have a habit to forget it and, in my mind, keep a completely blank slate. Yeah, this sounds good in theory, but when I tell you that I don't even remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, it's not good. I cried about something last night and I woke up today with absolutely nothing in my head. This is something a LEGO masterbuilder needs to 'unlock their true potential' but I'm not a fun plastic figure fueled by imagination and am just left utterly frustrated by it.
Obviously, my head is not 'completely' empty; I remember things if I left a tab open about it on my computer when I start it up, I check previous messages from friends, or just have it pop into my head -- but otherwise, it's me, my Google calendar, and my little daily notebook against the world. I think I took 'ignorance is bliss' a little too seriously. Not sure how to fix it, and I think I'm too afraid to even try.
looking back
I always cringe at myself looking back, but I've just accepted the nature of that. I'm not satisfied, ever. I need to be more normal about myself. There's only so much self-introspection you can do before you end up with some crawling, writhing mess that bubbles beneath your skin and you feel like the ugly, melted goo of a caterpillar within a concrete cocoon that's never going to open.
probably a mess
That sums it up pretty well, to be honest.
we're not catholic here
I read this on a Tumblr post on Pinterest awhile back and it's stuck with me. I don't think I 'deserve' things: that is, I only 'earn' them when I complete a task or stick to status quo. And it's kind of like Catholic guilt, right? It's built on atonement, to reform something that you didn't even start, to continuously apologize for a sin that you had even before you were born. I'm not Catholic and I'm not sure where I got this internalized shame, but it sucks, and I want out. Might be the (possible) ADHD, might be eldest child syndrome, might be a weird freaky thing that I got because I think too much and not enough at the same time. I dunno.
maybe I do too much
I have a meetup with some friends in a couple hours. I didn't really think I deserved it, but not in the way you think. Like yes, I absolutely deserve a birthday party (I just turned twenty last week) but for this circle of friends, I've done so much already. For this circle of friends, I've taken the time to arrange a meetup, organize details (who's going to get food, how to split costs, get a gift) with nearly 10+ people, every single time. And for my birthday, I got nothing.
To put it bluntly, I'm devastated.
There was no surprise meetup, no birthday cake from my friends, nothing. Normally I wouldn't expect such a thing, but because I had done a meetup for every single person's birthday in this circle, I had expected something. Maybe a surprise party, maybe a picnic, god, just fucking something. And I got nothing except a few well-wishes on Discord.
Anyway, I remember that this is what I cried about yesterday. And it's such a childish thing to cry for when I'm the same age as an approximately eighteen-meter oak tree grown in full sun, but I just wanted to be recognized, I think. I just wanted the same love that I had given to them, and I didn't get anything back, and I'm really sad about it, and I know I have every right to be angry about it, but I'm just sad.
The meetup I mentioned at the beginning is something my mother wanted. I didn't even want to host a meetup because I kept my weekend free in the hopes that they had something planned (which they did not). I stated the meetup was just a time to hangout and never mentioned anything even related to my birthday, because I'm absolutely sure that's a lost cause and I don't want them to give me anything at this point because that would be a societal norm (give a friend a birthday gift) rather than any actual effort at all.
I hate that I'm hosting a meetup for my own friends rather than being invited to one they had planned of their accord. I have seven of my closest friends coming, friends that I had hoped would've reflected my efforts. I'm still going to be friends with them, but I was just let down immensely and I don't think this is something I'll forget.
Or, knowing the fact that I wake up with an empty mind nearly every day, I probably will.
Maybe I'm being dramatic about it. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm being really petty and stupid, and I'm clouded by all these feelings I can't put into words, much like Catholic guilt which is ancestral and divine and unholy all at the same time, and I lay rotting in the dirt alongside my mushroom friends. I don't know anymore. I just know that my birthday sucked and I'm doing too much.
Writing about it makes me feel better, though. Definitely a form of catharsis.