I was at a close friend's place yesterday for the first time. It struck me as odd that I had never visited their place before; hell, we'd known each other for at least two years at this point. They invited me over out of the blue, when I was commuting back home from work, and apparently their parents were out for a trip and so they wanted to take the time to invite some friends to hangout over the next couple of days while they lived alone.
I agreed, and they picked me up when I got back from the train station. As the sun set into the evening and the day was getting to a bearable, cozier sense of warmth, I think I felt at peace for the first time in a while. An empty home, chilling with a friend, cooing at the plethora of baby photos, exploring their bedroom and asking, "what's that?" while they recounted stories from their childhood, sitting on their bed and following up on a work call while they sat at their desk nearby working on their homework from a summer class.
I remembered I had two clementines in my lunchbox and instinctively peeled them while sitting in that call, taking care to remove the stringy excess. I took a generous handful of slices, placed them in a small glass container and slid them over without a word.
"I love you", I wanted to say as the glow from the sunset illuminated their bedroom window.
"I know," they seemed to say in response, as they voicelessly popped a clementine slice into their mouth.
I get why there are so many poems + posts about this exact moment
I love my friends, okay? I don't think I need a lover at this point. I say I love them all the time, and I know there's always the thought of it being more 'watered down' each time you say it, but I don't think so. Most (if not all) media I've consumed saves "I love you" for a romantic significant other, holding onto it like a dragon does with that last gold piece of their hoard. And don't get me wrong, that's admirable and shows that you really mean it when you say it, but I don't think there's an issue with saying it all the time. Because I love a lot of people. And a lot of things.
I think I take birthdays seriously because it's the biggest form of affection I could ever give a friend without it ever being seen in a romantic context. It's an enormous culmination to give back everything they've ever done to help me not just survive, but thrive (and yeah, I know how corny it sounds).
Sure, my parents have done a lot, bless their heart. They've put a lot of money into making sure I'm alive and get to college. But to be blunt, right now my family to me is nothing more than roommates with a price tag attached. They don't really know who I am as a person. It's not that they are terrible people (frankly I'm not the most well-behaved child they've had either, and their patience with me has been nothing short of astounding) but honestly, I think I could just send them a good chunk of whatever money I make every month when I move out and get stable financials and a proper, well-paying job. I'm not interested in living here anymore. I just plan on returning the money they've invested in me back to them so they can use it elsewhere. It's transactional in nature; everything feels like an obligation than from something that comes from my heart.
how lovely it is to know that we're all fluent in different things
You can find more of their poetry here.
Clearly, I take birthdays way too seriously for my own good. And so, I think after my birthday fiasco, I realize I just have to figure out what my friends are fluent in. Maybe they don't like the whole premise of giving gifts, or even acts of service at all. Maybe they just like spending time chatting in a call or in person. Maybe they have something I have yet to learn.
All I know is I want these people by my side for the rest of my life. They won't ever see this post, but I cherish them because they are the greatest treasure I could ever have and I'm so incredibly fortunate I have these people. I've fumbled too many times to count and even tried to leave once because I thought they wouldn't need my company anymore, but they just called me an idiot and took me back with open arms when I realized I was just being stupid. All of my friends have joked about me at least once (and obviously they didn't mean it) and I don't know, I love it. I take it in stride, I think they love me enough to make fun of me. There's like a clear difference, you know? Instead of just outright bullying someone.
At this point this has just become a 'power of friendship' post, and maybe that's why I love the 'My Little Pony' series way too much for my own good even after I became an official adult, so I'm going to wrap it up here. I don't know, get your friend some flowers. Or a funny meme. Or a coffee chat. I'm lucky I get to spend so much time with them because of college, but who knows? I also want to get out of my hometown so maybe I never see them again in like three years' time. Or maybe I'm always home.
I'll always share my slices with them, though. Because at that point, that clementine was never really mine to begin with. I love them so much that sometimes it sickens me.